Of Cliches and Mysterious Portals
by Elf Cakes
Summary: A short fic that seems to point out common cliches often seen in the typical Mary Sue fic. Mary Sue bashing? You bet! Complete.


I was inspired to write this crazy thing when trying to find inspiration for my other Mary Sue bashing fic. It's just a short, nothing special. Though I will warn you, I have a twisted mind and I like sick pairings. With that in mind, I hope you enjoy this piece of literature.  
  
Disclaimer: It's all Tolkien's, whose great work has inspired many, including myself. Mary Sue belongs to Satan. The only thing that's mine is my sick sense of humor.  
  
~*~  
  
One day Ashley was crying after school. It seemed she was always crying after school now because her boyfriend dumped her and because people picked on her and because her family hated her.  
  
Oh how she had really, truly loved her boyfriend, Fred. Why did he have to hurt her? She cried and cried up in her bedroom as her parents fought. Her beautiful long blond hair with beautifully salon dyed low-lights fell over her beautiful blue eyes which seemed to radiate her sadness like beautiful, big sapphires that radiate sadness.  
  
It was then that she saw the ring that Fred had given her, which reminded her of her favorite all time movie, Lord of the Rings (because as is the case with most people in her situation, she'd never read the books). "Oh why can't I go to Middle Earth and snog Legolas?"  
  
She walked over and picked up the ring, hoping it might transport her to the one place she could find solace. But nothing happened. "Damn ring," she muttered. "The world is against me," she cried. Oh how she wished Legolas would come and comfort her.  
  
She grabbed a Kleenex from the box to blow her drippy nose and wipe her eyes when suddenly, there was a flash of light. The Kleenex had been the portal the whole time! "Damn, why didn't I think of that before?"  
  
Well it turns out Ashley was transported to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. "Dammit," she cursed aloud.  
  
It was then that she was run over by a unicorn and yet another blinding flash of light was seen. When Ashley woke up, she was no longer at Hogwarts, she was at home again.  
  
Poor Ashley's life was a mess. She was depressed, she needed a way out. Just then, the phone rang. "Hello?"  
  
"Ashely, this is Fred. I want my ring back. I'm coming over to pick it up."  
  
Ashley hung up and broke down. She thought that everyone was out to get her, they just wanted to make her miserable. Little did she know, it was actually true.  
  
So Fred came to pick up the ring and Ashley handed Fred their two and a half month anniversary of the first time they ever held hands ring and *POOF*. Fred was gone.  
  
"Why the hell does Fred get to go to Middle Earth?" It turns out Fred only went down the street to the local 7-11, which Ashley found out when she saw him there when she went there to buy sleeping pills so she would never wake up again. Life was bad.  
  
She took the pills home and downed the whole bottle. The next thing Ashley knew, she was lying in a beautiful bed and she could see waterfalls outside her open windows. An old man (probably Gandalf) was smoking in a chair next to her, and Frodo was also in the bed with her.  
  
Gandalf began to speak, but not to her, to Frodo. Still, no one loved her.  
  
Gandalf finally began to speak to Ashley. "Elrond healed you too, and you are a half-elf, like Elrond, even though you were born in another world where Elves do not exist and were born to two humans. Somehow, you are related to Galadriel, which makes you special. Also, you are invited to the Council of Elrond."  
  
Finally, good luck decided to befriend Ashley!  
  
Before the Council, Legolas took it upon himself to teach Ashley archery. She was quite good and after five minutes of practice she could out-shoot Legolas. Man, she was good. Odds were definitely in her favor as usually people have to practice much more than five minutes to get that good.  
  
At the Council, she joined the Fellowship because she could help with her knowledge of archery, even though there were probably many, many more people out there who were better than she was.  
  
Soon they were on Caradhras. It was cold outside and so Legolas carried her up the mountain. She was freezing in the dress Arwen let her borrow.  
  
When they got down from Caradhras, Ashley confessed her deep and undying love for Legolas. But Legolas did not feel the same for her as she felt for him. It would never be.  
  
~*~  
  
Moria was a hard journey for Ashley, and she wanted to cry. Fred hated her and Legolas didn't want to love her. She shot down some Orcs and Gandalf died. The hobbits were hungry.  
  
When the Fellowship reached Lothlorien, Galadriel was in shock. She had found her long lost relative! My, oh my, it was an exciting day. Everyone decided that the focus of the story needed to be about Ashley, because Tolkien's work wasn't good enough for them.  
  
"Oh Ashley, we love you," Elves swooned. She had every male within her grasp, except the one she truly wanted most. Legolas would not be hers.  
  
When the Fellowship left Lothlorien, Ashley tried some lembas. She liked it.  
  
In the boats, Ashley thought about Legolas. How she craved him!  
  
Legolas was also in pain, though he wasn't certain why.  
  
Amon Hen was nearing, and Ashley was happy to be getting out of the boats. When they reached the shore, she got out of her boat and sat with the hobbits. Orcs came to kill them all poor Ashley was yet again hated. She helped the Fellowship with her excellent archery skills and killed some Orcs. Mary S- I mean, Ashley, who is "different" from all of the other Mary Sues, was kidnapped with Merry and Pippin.  
  
Something happened that Tolkien did not intend, the Uruk-hai managed to reach Isengard, where Ashley met Saruman.  
  
"Such a beautiful half-elf," he commented. He thought that Ashley was gorgeous and maybe she would be more than just his friend, maybe he could show her than not all men are the same, Fred and Legolas were just ass- holes to hurt her.  
  
Saruman kissed Ashley's perfect lips and Ashley deepened the kiss. They were so in love, and the lived happily ever after.  
  
The End 


End file.
